While the secret to a happy marriage remains just that, a secret, there are rules to observe when sharing the same bed with your lifetime ‘enemy’....CONTINUE READING THE FULL ARTICLE>>>
For those who are still kissing frogs as they wait for Prince Charming, know that when you finally say ‘I do’, there are ground rules to be observed in the bedroom. Here are the 10 bedroom commandments:
Uchi wa mnyama
You don’t jump into bed dressed like the watchie. Thou shalt get into bed wearing nothing, but your ‘natural suit.’ Get rid of the ‘Kibaki Tena’ T-shirts, stockings and thick woolen sweaters that some of our sisters from Kijabe really love.
Silencer
Breaking wind is allowed after a supper of madondo, but release the ‘silencer’ in moderation, not when your partner is in the middle of prayers. And while at it, point your tooshy away and unfurl the blankets for proper ventilation!
Banana trunk in bed
Dropping into bed a like banana trunk in the wet red soil of rural Kinangop is a cardinal sin. Bed manners require that you bend over at the edge, then ease yourself into bed slowly, one bended leg after the other. Kneel-walking is the sanctioned way of moving in bed, alternatively you can just roll over, up or down!
Blanket management
Learn to share. It has been raining lately. It is cold too. Pulling the blanket or duvet over your head and breathing heavily can lead to your partner experiencing nightmares. Avoid scrambling for it as well as this may expose your spouse’s legs or tooshy, which might result in pneumonia!
Sound track
Snoring like a revving tractor ploughing the wheat farms of Narok might push someone to commit murder. Putting up with nightly snuffles is not easy and one may eventually be forced to seek medical help or the services of a village witch doctor.
Lock and key
Children are likely to budge into their parents’ bedroom unannounced. Imagine that happening when you’re naked or in cloud nine, huffing and puffing? The golden rule is that whoever walks in last must slam the door shut and, ensure that it is locked for good measure!
Bed-grabbing
Demarcation is a serious matter in the bedroom. It is thus ‘written’ that men, being the heads and protectors of the family, should nearer to the door. A real man is one who is ready to be hacked with a panga first in case an intruder invades the house. Wacha mama alale kwa ukuta!
Devil hours
Men are habitual latecomers and either come to bed drunk or tired. Their arrivals shake everything from slumber. It is commanded that latecomers creep into bed like hunters and wait for interrogation the following day. And don’t even dare to touch the light’s switch!
Look me, look you
Converging breath, weird dreams and drooling is a no-no in the bedroom, especially when a drunkard is married to a front-pew Pentecostal. Learn to face the opposite side and only come face-to-face when doing the chamama and chababa!
Shukisha
Come morning and you have to shuka from bed, kindly follow the unwritten rule: The right leg should touch the floor first, followed by the left one, so as not to attract bad omen.
And women, thou shalt not jump over your napping men. Thou shalt get off the bed from the lower side, and when shukaring, don’t pull the shuka and uncover your spouse..CONTINUE READING>>
