While the holidays are called the happiest time of the year, many couples report it’s the most stressful time of year for their relationship. Requests for individual and couples therapy always skyrocket in my office every December as couples report they’re more likely to engage in the unhealthy habits I share in my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do....CONTINUE READING
From blaming one another for their holiday budget issues to becoming disrespectful when they disagree on who to spend the holidays with, the holiday season can bring out the worst in some relationships. If the holidays are a bit stressful for you and your partner, you’re not alone. But it’s important to work on keeping your relationship strong even when things are stressful.
1. Discuss your expectations ahead of time.
Many disagreements stem from different expectations of one another. Talk about how much you want to budget for decorations and gifts, how much time you expect to spend with family, and expectations surrounding holiday traditions. Doing so might prevent a lot of conflict.
When you can say, “Picking out a Christmas tree together is a tradition I’d love to continue. I understand it’s not a big deal to you, but I think it’s a great way to create family memories that the kids will want to have.” Listen to your partner’s expectations too and be open to meeting some of their needs as well. You might be surprised to learn how different your expectations are about giving gifts, attending events, and celebrating in general.
2. Decide on boundaries together.
The holidays often bring different ideas about boundaries to light. Is it OK to let the extended family stay at your home for the holidays? Would you loan money to a family member who is having trouble paying for their children’s gifts? Is it OK to decline invitations to family events?
Work together to create boundaries that safeguard your relationship from the outside world. It’s up to the two of you to decide what areas of your lives need more boundaries—like do you need to tighten up some financial boundaries so you can pay the bills comfortably? Do you need to shift your social boundaries so you can extend invitations to people who don’t have family to spend the holidays with?
You probably won’t agree on where to draw the line for every boundary. And that’s OK. But as long as you’re talking about your boundaries, you can develop a plan together that can make sure your needs are being met.
3. Zoom out to keep the bigger picture in mind.
It’s easy to get stressed out by the little things that come up over the holidays. Take time to zoom out and look at the bigger picture so you can gain perspective. When you’re arguing about the decorations, remind yourself that enjoying one another’s company is more important than having a perfectly decorated home.
Or when you’re tempted to invest hours into wrapping gifts, you might decide spending more time together is more important. You could opt for simply wrapped gifts (or put them in gift bags) so you can enjoy time with your family. Whenever you’re feeling stressed or arguing with your partner, ask yourself, “In five years, what will be most important to us?” If the issue won’t be that important, you can change your focus to something that is more in line with your values.
You can also ask, “What will I remember about this holiday season in 10 years?” While you might forget the gifts you received or how your decorations looked, you may recall the time you spent with loved ones.
4. Focus on managing your emotions—not controlling your partner’s behavior.
When you’re stressed out, it’s tempting to try and change your partner’s behavior. You’ll probably think about how much easier things would be if only they’d do something different. While it is helpful to say what you need—your partner isn’t going to read your mind—lecturing, nagging, and scolding your partner won’t help.
Put that energy into managing your emotions, not trying to fix your partner. If they aren’t interested in attending a holiday event, don’t drag them. If they insist on watching another holiday movie, let them.
5. Work on meeting some of your own needs.
Holiday discord sometimes stems from the frustration that your partner didn’t meet all your needs. You might be angry they didn’t go to the events that were important to you. Or you might be upset that you didn’t see family as much as you wanted.
But, it’s important to take responsibility for your own needs and not blame your partner if they weren’t met. If your partner has no interest in going to a community event, find a friend to go with you. Or if your partner doesn’t want to attend a family gathering, spend time with your family on your own.
There are lots of things you can do to make it the best holiday season for you, even if your partner isn’t on board with all your ideas.
Turn the Holidays into an Opportunity to Grow Closer. While the holidays may stretch you in different directions and cause you to confront some issues you try to ignore at other times of the year, it can also be an opportunity to grow closer as a couple.
Every disagreement is an opportunity to practice your skills–like your communication skills and your emotion regulation skills. And during the holiday season, there will be plenty of opportunities to practice. If you’re struggling and therapy is an option for you, don’t hesitate to reach out.
If your partner isn’t interested in therapy, that’s OK too. You might find that attending therapy on your own is helpful enough. Just changing one person’s behavior is often powerful enough to change the whole relationship.
