Respect” is a lot more than just one of Aretha Franklin’s biggest hits, it’s the bedrock of any happy and healthy relationship. Without mutual respect, we cannot build trust, love, connection, or a future together....CONTINUE READING THE FULL ARTICLE>>>
We all know this, though, don’t we? We know that mutual respect is required in any relationship, regardless of the context. We need it in friendships, in professional relationships, and within our family…CONTINUE READING>>
I do think it’s one of those terms that becomes a bit nebulous when we actually try to define it, or tie it to the actions that convey it to another person. Particularly within an intimate relationship, what is it that respect reallylooks like, and how can youshow itto your partner?
Below, we’ll discuss some of the ways that respect shows up in healthy relationships — and needless to say —both partnersneed to bring equal measures of it to the table for the relationship to thrive in the long run.
It’s difficult to show someone respect if we don’t know exactly what makes them feel respected — or more likely, disrespected.
Here’s a modern-day example: Is liking a photo on social media by someone of the same gender as your partner (the gender you’re attracted to) considered cheating or disrespectful?
Does the clothing they’re wearing (or not wearing) change the answer?
Does your history (or lack thereof) with this person change the answer?
If you don’t have this discussion, you run the risk ofunintentionally disrespectingyour partner by doing something that you might not think is that big of a deal, but they do.
Obviously, this is required for the more nuanced things and not the more obvious or universal acts of respect/disrespect that we can likely all agree on.
This, though, is the entire point: To learn whatyour partnerspecificallyfeels andshow themthat you respect their wishes by operating within those boundaries. Violating a boundary that you are aware of is a direct act of disrespect, especially if it happens more than once.
Everyone has different senses of humor, and everyone is comfortable with different levels of affection, or “mushyness.”
For some, the default response is trying to make a joke about or avoid a compliment through humor, which they might define as “teasing.”
At times, though, the blade may be sharpened a bit too much and that teasing could feel to the recipient as if they’re being made fun of, or teasedin a negative way.
It may not be yourintent, but it could be theimpact.
It’s important to learn (and then stay on the right side of) where playfulness and offense can intersect. That, also, will be different for everyone — as some couples may enjoy the sharper banter back and forth, whereas others may be put off by it.
“James, I sit there and listen while my partner talks all the time, that’s respectful!”
Anyone can just sit down and let another person ramble on while letting the words flow into one ear and pop out of the other.
It’s another thing entirely toactively listenand show your partner that you’re engaged and interested in what they’re saying.
Active listening requires you to respond, ask follow-up questions, give input (when it’s asked for), and be an equal partner in the conversation — not just a sounding board. Unless, of course, that’s what they’re asking you to be.
Being attentive when your partner is expressing thoughts, feelings, or just frustrations to you is a way to show them that you respect their emotions enough to genuinely pay attention to them.
Their conveyance of said emotions is, after all, a sign that they trust you enough to let you in to these innermost thoughts — and that is a level of trust that deserves your respect in return.
Let’s draw an important distinction here:
In point #1, we discussed boundaries and expectations.
The idea behind this is making sure that two partners understand what makes each other feel disrespected, or offended, or violated, or insulted.
If your partner hears and acknowledges these boundaries, and thenintentionally violates them, that is not classified as a “mistake.”
The “mistakes” we’re discussing in this point are exactly that: A slip-up, an honest accident, something un intentional that they swiftly work to remedy (more on this later).
In this case, theintentionbehind the action is important to identify. Did they really just mess up, or did they know damn well what they were doing, and went ahead to do it anyway?
In the event of areal mistake, patience and understanding is important. Compassion is important.
The truth is that we all make mistakes , whether or not we like to admit it. It’s part of the human experience. It’s part of building a relationship. It’s part of getting to know each other. It’s just…part of life.
Entering into a relationship with another person means that you expect and acknowledge that at some point they’regoing to mess up.There’s really no avoiding it — but the experience can be drastically influenced by howyouchoose to act when it happens (as well as howtheychoose to act).
Life and love are long journeys we must take together — journeys that require us to figure things out along the way. It’s not always pretty, but commitment is making the pledge that you’ll be by their side on the smooth roads, and the rocky ones.
About that “more on this later,” though…“James, I apologize all the time for my mistakes!” That’s great! And, a good start.
Genuine and authentic apologies are, sometimes, all that a person is really looking for.
However — we all know that words don’t mean anything without the actions to back them up, and that is never more true than behavior deemed unacceptable in a relationship.
Assuming that what you’ve done isn’t a dealbreaker and you’re being given another chance, it’s important to show your partner that you’re serious about fixing what’s broken and changing your actions and behaviors in order to make it right.
If you combine point #4 with this one, you’ve got a compassionate and understanding partner paired with one who is willing to take responsibility and learn from their mistakes. This can massively reduce the harmful impact of slip-ups and help couples move through challenges together.
Remember, at one point or another you’re probably going to be on both sides of this equation, so keep that in mind when deciding how to respond, regardless of where you find yourselfthis timearound.
Well, duh, right?
Normally, we’re used to things that takelonger to buildbeing stronger and sturdier than things that are completed in a short time.
This expectation getsthrown right out the windowwhen it comes to trust.
Trust, no matter how long you’ve worked to build it, can be brokeninstantlyif you betray it. Months, years, ordecadesof effort lost because of one single action.
The good news is, though, that if youtruly respect a person, you won’t do anything to violate their trust. You’ll keep their privacy…well, private, and only divulge things they’ve given explicit permission for you to.
You’ll keep your intimate life and secrets, your personal challenges, their
private story locked within the confines of the relationship between you where it belongs.
It’s as simple as understanding that disrespecting someone’s wishes to keep something privateis the same asdisrespecting them as a person. The two are inextricably linked.
You cannot truly respect someone and want them to be exactly like you at the same time.
Respecting someone is about respectingwho they really are, what they really believe, and how they really feel…whether or not you understand it or share the same beliefs or thoughts.
In fact, that’s part of the beauty of a relationship — to find someone who you can learn from, grow with, be inspired by, merge your lives together like puzzle pieces.
In order to show someone that you truly respect them, there can be no conditions applied. It’s not about respecting parts of them, or having it just be present sometimes, or only on days that they agree with you.
Respecting someone completely requires you toacknowledgeyour differences, but see them as positives.
The best championship teams don’t perform well because they all have the same skills. In American football, the greatest quarterbackis not alsothe greatest receiver. You need two people withdifferent skills that complement each otherto come together in order to thrive.
They respect what each other is capable of — and that builds trust.
When the quarterback throws the ball, they must trust the receiver will be there to catch it.
When the receiver is running at full throttle, they must trust that the ball will land right where it needs to.
Neither player can have this level of trust for their counterpart without also respecting their skills. The two go hand-in-hand.
This point may not sound like it makes sense by the headline, but let me explain…
Amicroexpressionis a facial expression that occurs withinone secondof a stimulus being presented, and is often non-verbal.
Consider: Rolling your eyes.
While this might feel like an involuntary response that happens in a flash, it could look or feel like a massive show of disrespect for your partner.
They may feel that their feelings are being dismissed, or minimized, or invalidated as a result.
The trick with microexpressions is that involuntary aspect, so it’s highly difficult to manage or even eliminate them, but I do believe that awareness and consciousness about how we respond to our partners can help us “train ourselves” over time to make sure that we don’t have reflexive reactions (verbalornon-verbal) that could send the wrong message.
This is showing respect for your partner because the last thing you want them to feel is that their emotions are irrelevant or annoying to you, so it’s only right to eliminate the reactions you might have that could give them that very feeling.
One of the first exercises I bring my private coaching clients through, is defining their wants vs. their needs. “James, aren’t those the same thing?” No — and let me explain why:
One of my clients has expressed to me that his wife isalways on her phoneand he wishes that she’d put it down and be more present when they’re together.
So… He wants her to put the phone away, butwhy?
To fill his need to connect with her. Communication. Intimacy. Quality time.
Those are the deeper needs that he’s trying to have filled by the “want.”
The phone itself isn’t the problem, because if she put the phone down and then buried her head in a magazine, he’d still feel the same way, and perhaps be left confused because hethoughthe got what he wanted.
Yet, he didn’t get what heneeded.
Imagine now that you express your
need(s) to your partner, and they dismiss them, or fail to take action in order to fill these needs…how do you feel as a result?
One possible answer is: Disrespected.
That’s because partners in a relationship who truly respect each other will care about making sure needs are met. Therefore, a way toshow this level of respectis to be responsive and take action when your partner tells you what they need.
Not everyone is willing or able to express their needs and desires, which, in itself, can cause strife and conflict. So — when they do, don’t take it for granted.
When you respect someone, you believe in them. You believe in their abilities. You respect their choices and decisions. You want to see them happy.
You canshowthis level of respect bysupporting and encouragingthe choices that they make.
Now, of course, none of us should be supporting harmful, dangerous, or illegal decisions our partner might be making — but let’s just keep this in the context of regular everyday life.
Inmostsituations formostof us, feeling supported and “cheered on” by our partner goes a long way.
We want to know that they have our backs, that they’re confident in us, that they trust us to make the right decisions, and follow through.
Imagine if you were all excited to tell your partner that you’re undertaking a new venture, or going for a promotion at work, or embarking on a journey to earn a new degree, or begin your passion project…
“Babe, are you sure you’re ready for that?”
“There is a lot of competition out there.”
“You already have so much on your plate…”
The wind gets sucked right out of your sails.
Worse than that, though, there’s an underlying tone of disrespect for your abilities in these responses. Does your partner not believe in you? Do they not think you have what it takes to succeed?
Do they not want you to grow as a person?
Even if they’re responding with the best of intentions, the impact being made is far different.
I believe that (one of) our responsibilities as a partner in a happy and healthy relationship is to be their biggest cheerleader. To be by their side during the victories, and also during the defeats.
To be the first to celebrate, and the first to catch them when they fall. That level of support shouldn’t waiver based on the result of the endeavor, because it’s directly tied to the respect you have for your partner themselves as a human.
Yes, we all have different love languages, andlearning those love languagescan also be a sign of respect. It shows that you want to know how
your partner best receives love, so that you can express it to them in those very ways.
I believe that regardless of love language, though, everyone enjoys being told that they’re admired, respected, loved, and appreciated.
Sometimes, the simplest and most direct ways of expressing a feeling become the most overlooked. Days get busy, life is hectic, you pass by each other a hundred times in the hallway, you go about your daily routines…
How many times do you stop and intentionallytell your partnerthat you appreciate or respect them?
Hug them and tell them.
Send a text.
Leave a note.
Write a letter.
Nobody will complain about the person they love directly expressing positive feelings and emotions towards them.
In fact, sometimes, it’s exactly what we need.
This point goes for you both equally.
Respect is giving someone the space and freedom to be who they truly are, without having to hide any parts of themselves. No judgment. No asterisks. No conditions.
Respect isalsogiving yourself the same permission to live as your most authentic self. You show respect toyouby doing this, but also to your partner, because you’re telling them that you trust them enough to give them the parts of you that you don’t give to anyone else.
Your deepest thoughts, emotions, feelings, desires, fears, insecurities…
These are all things that we keep private and, at times, hesitate to divulge no matter how close we get to someone else.
When we create the space, though, that we can both put these feelings into, it shows an enormous amount of mutual respect, because you are trusting them, and only them.
Similarly, you’re showing them that they can trustyouwith the same intimacies.
When you both see the most uncensored and unfiltered versions of each other, a bond and connection forms between you unlike any other. You’re not falling in love with a curated or edited version of someone…but instead, the real and true human behind the mask.
This is the only wayrealtrust can be built, by knowing you’re seeing the real version of someone.
It’s the only way thatreallove can exist, by falling for a person whom you’ve seen all sides of.
It’s the only way thatrealrespect can be shown, by trusting them with the most valuable gifts that are only given toone personin your life.
When those three thick ropes are woven together and are used to hold your relationship together — there is nothing that can unravel them…CONTINUE READING>>
