Most people would agree you generally can’t help who you fall in love with. But in some circumstances, you might wish that weren’t the case....CONTINUE READING
Maybe you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.
“The longing that accompanies one-sided love can affect emotional well-being and cause a lot of discomforts,” explains Kim Egel, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego.
Or perhaps you love someone who continually demonstrates they don’t have your best interests at heart. Maybe you and a partner love each other intensely but have too many differences to sustain a lasting partnership.
Regardless of the situation, love is a complicated emotion. And even when it’s clear that a relationship isn’t doing you any favours, it can feel impossible to simply turn off your feelings.
As stated by an article published on Healthline, the following tips can help you start the process of moving forward.
1. Acknowledge the truth of the situation:
Optimism isn’t a bad trait. The ability to hold on to hope in difficult or painful situations is typically considered a sign of personal strength.
But when it comes to struggling relationships, it’s more helpful to consider the present reality than the future you imagine.
The person you love may not feel the same way. Or maybe you feel wildly in love during intimate moments but spend the rest of your time together disagreeing over just about everything.
Simply realizing your relationship isn’t going anywhere probably won’t make your feelings disappear overnight, but it’s a significant step.
2. Identify relationship needs — and deal breakers:
Taking a careful look at what you want from a relationship, as well as what you don’t want, can help you pinpoint the ways a love interest may not be the best match.
Say you and your FWB have a great thing going. The more time you spend together, the more connected you feel. Eventually, you realize you’ve fallen in love with them.
But there’s one big issue: Days, sometimes a week or more, often pass without you hearing from them. You send them Facebook messages and notice they’ve been online, but there’s still no reply.
If you prioritize good communication in relationships, their inability to get back to you promptly is a pretty good indicator that they’re not a good match.
When you recognize the ways someone you love doesn’t quite meet your needs, you might have an easier time getting over your feelings.
3. Accept what the love meant to you:
“Some loves might always scratch at your heart,” Egel says. “Some relationships, especially those that were an integral part of growth at pivotal times in our lives, thread through the inner makings of who we become.”
Denying your emotions or their significance can hold you back. Honouring your experience and letting those intense feelings become part of your past can help you begin to find peace and move forward.
What’s more, acknowledging the past importance of your love can help you see how it’s no longer serving you.
4. Look to the future:
Love for an ex or someone who doesn’t return your feelings can limit you. If you stay stuck on someone you can’t have a relationship with, you’ll likely have a hard time finding happiness with anyone else.
Even if you don’t feel ready for anything serious, casual dating can help you realize there are plenty of great people out there.
Once you do want to date more seriously, finding the right partner might still prove challenging. It often takes some time. Dating frustrations can make it especially tempting to dwell on the person you already love.
But commit to looking forward, not back into your past, even if it’s difficult at first.
5. Prioritize other relationships:
People getting over heartbreak often tend to “forget” about other important relationships in their life.
Your friends and family members can offer support as you work to heal. They may even have some helpful insight or wisdom to share from their own experiences.
Loved ones can also provide strength and guidance if you’re trying to heal from the effects of a toxic relationship. Just be sure to pay attention to how your interactions make you feel.
If you feel someone is judging you or your choices or making you feel bad in other ways, it may be wise to limit your time with them.
6. Spend time on yourself:
When you feel head over heels in love, you might make small (or not so small) changes to your appearance or personality to align with what you think they want in a partner.
Consider those parts of yourself you might have denied, pushed down, or altered. Maybe you dressed more snazzily than you’d prefer, started following a sport you had zero interest in or gave up on your favourite hobby.
Or perhaps you avoided fully expressing your emotions and stopped asking for what you needed.
Do you feel comfortable with those changes? Thinking about the parts of yourself that you could have easily lost in the relationship may help diminish the love for someone who didn’t truly love you for you.
7. Give yourself spacek.
This may seem like an obvious step, but it’s an important one.
When you’re ready to move on, distance can be your best friend. Even an occasional text, call, or Snapchat can rekindle those feelings you thought you’d already left behind.
You may want to avoid contacting the person unless you need to, like if you share custody of children or work together.
If you’re friends who used to spend a lot of time hanging out, it may be wise to spend time with other friends for the time being.
You might want to maintain your friendship. That’s not a bad goal if the relationship was healthy. But consider waiting until the intensity of your love fades. Otherwise, you may end up causing yourself unnecessary pain.
8. Understand it may take some time:
Feelings of love can and do fade, but this generally isn’t a rapid process. And it’s very normal to feel a lot of discomfort in the meantime.
Here are some tips to help you through this period:
– Have patience with yourself
– Practice self-compassion by telling yourself what you might tell a friend in the same situation
– Accept that it’s natural to hurt
– Remind yourself the pain won’t last forever.
9. Talk to a therapist:
“Matters of the heart can get us where it hurts,” Egel notes.
She recommends therapy as a helpful resource when you:
– have a hard time living your life as you typically would
– feel confused about your feelings
– find yourself in a dark place
– have trouble acknowledging or accepting your feelings
Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore emotions and talk through strategies for productively addressing them. A therapist can also teach you coping skills to manage these feelings until the intensity lessens.
It’s always best to seek professional help right away if you:
– have thoughts of suicide
– feel hopeless
– experience persistent feelings of depression or anxiety
